Sunday, September 3rd, 2006
Welp. As the designated “wine and alcoholic beverage expert” in this quartet, this little joke/anecdote of sorts was inevitable.
I am passing this on to you because it was passed on to me and has definitely worked for me. By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally found inner peace. It read: “The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you’ve started.” I looked around to see all the things I started and hadn’t finished… So far today I have finished one bottle of vodka, a bottle of red wine, a bottle of Scotch, some Valium, a small box of chocolates and 9 beers. You have no idea how good I feel. You may pass this on to those you feel are in need of Inner Peace.
Tags: humor, joke, beer, wine, scotch, inner peace
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Monday, August 28th, 2006
#10. Gold.
1. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.
2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.
3. Terminate the call with, “Remember, we never had this conversation.”
4. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.
5. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say “crazy bread.”
6. Stutter on the letter “p.”
7. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.
8. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.
9. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.
10. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.
11. Start the conversation with “My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and. . . action!”
12. Be vague in your order.
13. Start the conversation by reciting today’s date and saying, “This may be my last entry.”
14. Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable.
15. Dance all around the word “pizza.” Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say “Please don’t mention that word.”
Tags: humor, joke, pizza, phone
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Wednesday, August 23rd, 2006
Here are 9 things to do when you’re at a dining hall or cafeteria. School semester is underway so what better time to have a little fun?
I offer a disclaimer though… DiningInDallas crew has not and will never be involved in any direct form of said behavior(s). We only like hearing stories or observing from an unbiased view of those who’ve carried out such deeds.
1. Don’t go to the dining hall. Live there and never leave. When people come in, harass for news of the outside world and tell them how the dining hall needs new ketchup.
2. Before eating, say grace. Punctuate by slamming your face into your food
3. After obtaining your food, proceed to throw it out the nearest window. Turn to the person nearest to you and say, “Wow! Did you ever see [name of dish] fly like that before?”
4. Hide behind the milk dispenser. Moo every time someone gets milk.
5. During the meal, start a conversation about the innocence of Jeffrey Dahmer. Then look at everybody’s limbs with a marked amount of interest. Then “involuntarily” drool.
6. Stand next to the salad bar. Every time someone reaches for some food, yell, “HEY!” and shake your head.
7. Ask how the lettuce was killed. After the initial pause of confusion, shake your head angrily and yell, “What about vegetables?! Don’t they have rights too?!”
8. Get your food and sit down. Count out loud the number of grains of rice you received, starting again every once in a while. When you’re done, go up to the server and tell him or her how you were cheated out of 8 grains and proceed to make a scene.
9. Talk to your food. Tell it to quit complaining or else you’ll chew more.
Tags: humor, joke, list, dining
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Saturday, August 19th, 2006
“Cruz Jacinto, an employee at Bodega Chocolates, holds a piece of chocolate believed to bear the likeness of the Virgin Mary in Fountain Valley, Calif. Thursday, Aug 17, 2006. Workers at the luxury chocolate company discovered a two-inch tall column of chocolate drippings under one of their vats that some think bears a striking resemblance to the Virgin Mary.”
Chocolate Virgin Mary on Yahoo News>
Maybe not quite as recognized (and profitable) as the Virgin Mary on a grilled cheese sandwich but it’s still nonetheless amusing.
And for those of you who may have forgotten about the Virgin Mary grilled cheese epidemic. The sandwich that sold for $28,000.00 on ebay.com to an internet casino… here it is -
Posted in Food News, Miscellaneous, Humor | No Comments »
Saturday, August 12th, 2006
A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. “The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.
Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.
But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?”
A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, “Wedding cake”
Believe me. I am NOT anti-marriage. It’s just true in so many ways.
Tags: cake, joke, humor
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Saturday, August 5th, 2006
Hehe, this made me chuckle.
A Mexican family crosses over the border to the Land of Milk and Honey where the streets are paved with gold. But the husband can find no work.
His family is hungry, so he takes a walk to a quiet place at the foot of a big hill, kneels at the base of a tree, and begins to pray: “Sweet Jesus, please show me a way to feed my family…”
Eyes closed, the Mexican does not see the BLACK man coming over the top of the hill, who is stumbling wildly with a broken grocery sack. When the Mexican man opens his eyes, a large wheel of cheddar cheese rolls down the hill and lands at his feet!
“Oh, thank you Jesus, thank you!” he cries, grabs the cheese, and runs straight home. Upon returning home, he gives the cheese to his wife and instructs her to make nachos.
“But wouldn’t you rather have cheese enchiladas and burritos and other things?” she inquires. “No,” the husband says, “Jesus sent this to me with a message… As I ran home,
I kept hearing Him yell, ‘ THAT’S NACHO CHEESE! THAT’S NACHO CHEESE!’
Tags: humor, joke, nacho
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Thursday, July 13th, 2006
At the risk of offending blonde people, let me offer this disclaimer. It’s a joke, get over it. That being said, here it be. You have my permission to laugh at will. Kthx.
A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.
“I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds.”
When the blonde returns, she’s lost nearly 20 pounds.
“Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor says. “Did you follow my instructions?”
The blonde nods. “I’ll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.”
“From hunger, you mean?” asked the doctor.
“No, from skipping.”
See, with jokes like these… I like to mentally picture someone actually doing that. And it’s even better if it’s someone you know who would totally do that. I can think of a few.. can you? =)
Tags: funny, joke, blonde
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